"I have never felt so monstrously alone. Nix is snoring right over there, a million miles away. It's a gentle, funny, whispering little snore; if I was an ant and could stand on the very top branches of a tree and listen to the wind, it might sound like that.

I'm crying because I know the very best day of my whole life is over. I killed it. Andeverybody knows there are no second very best days."

-Breathe My Name, R.A. Nelson

im secretly wishing it doesnt work out and i win in the end.

thats fucked up of me.

i dont care.

I’m trying to find truth
in words, in rhymes, in notes
in all the things I wish I'd wrote
cause I feel like I’ve been losing you
each night it ends too soon
you don’t hold me like you used to
and your eyes look like they’ve seen too much but
it's always some excuse
too tired, too obtuse
you look so far removed
this time I fear I’m just not getting through


i want to do something with my life.

I knew since things were getting better, they'd need to come crashing down again.

I just want to go back to albany. I'm exhausted and I can't fall asleep. My back itches in the one spot I can't reach to the point that I'm going crazy. I'm having an allergic reaction and my whole body feels weird and I'm breaking out with minihives randomly. My eyes hurt just to keep them open right now. My nose is stuffy. I wish my car worked. I want to sleep in my own bed, not this uncomfortable twinsize bullshit.

Done. Thanks livejournal. I feel better.

WHATS UP LIVEJOURNAL.
FORGOT YOU EXISTED.

Home until Friday afternoon since I have to work 5-12:15.
Worked 10-6 yesterday and then drove home to Kingston.

I work around 30 hrs a week, and am constantly exhausted.
Money in the bank though.

Honestly, so over it. Get over it. It happened. It's done. Move on.

I think I'm actually going to start listening to other people. I'm gonna try to not be so dependent and actually let people help me instead of trying to do everything myself and get overwhelmed. I'm going to get my priorities straight and figure out what I really want out of life. I'm going to try and start thinking things out before I do them, think before I speak. Try to start thinking rationally.

Easier said than done, I know. But it's worth a shot.

I got an 87 on my psychology test. The highest grade was a 94. The lowest grade was a 22.. I'm happy.

Schools good. Classes are good. House is good. Making slow progress, but good.

My upstairs room is done and I'm almost completely moved into it. James & Kyles rooms are done & their moved into them. Living room is done & we have cable. Bathroom is done, except for some trim work. Kitchen will be done within the next 2 weeks & then we focus on the dining room.

Car was fucked for a hot minute. Had the head gasket replaced. Been driving my dads jetta for the past week & will continue to until tomorrow or Monday.

Did terrible on my first nutrition test, but hopefully awesome on my psychology test, I've got a good feeling about it.

I might be drunk right now, but that's because my life is in shambles. But that's because I'm an overdramatic and a hopeless romantic. I hate boys.

I hate the internet really, fucks with everyone. Makes it so easy to creep people.

I miss my best friend. I wish I hadn't fucked everything up. Everyone kept telling me I needed to tell her. So I did. And now look at me, she doesn't even talk to me anymore after she swore up and down she didn't care. And now that's over and I have nothing. I thought I knew better. I thought it could be something. And it was nothing to him. I was nothing to him.

I need to stop thinking so much. Especially now when I'm drunk. It's just sending me back into my depression mode that I've been in and out of for the past week. And listening to Dashboard isn't helping but it's all I want to hear.

It's hard to explain how I am getting by on so little from you.
It's hard to believe that I would let myself get so wrapped in you.
There's got to be something that would be worthwhile for me to give to you.
We need a connection but you seem to push me far away from you.

I hate Troy. I fucking hate it. I'm miserable.

So I wake up Friday morning and can't open my eye because it's swollen shut. Turns out I have an ulcer on my right cornea, I now have to put drops in every hour, and put a drop in to keep my eye dilated twice a day. It wouldn't be this bad if I had been able to get to the doctor earlier on Friday but of course no one could bring me and I TRIED to drive myself but ended up having to turn around on Lucas Ave because my eye was so sensitive to light I had to drive with one hand convering my eye because just closing it wasn't keeping out enough light.

Whatever. I'm not in a rush to go back to Troy, I mean I'd like to get the fuck out of this hellhole Kingston but I'm done with my class so I don't HAVE to be back by any particular day/time. My brother is gonna come up one day this week to see the house since he's considering moving up with us :)

I'm excited for everyone to move in! I won't be so lonely then!

I have the most beautiful cousin.

Go to class yesterday, get out early, go to walmart to get a pong table.

Reis calls me on my home because he's in Troy and his car died and I had to go jump it. I get there and get in his car and he somehow opened the umbrella in the car and it almost took my eye out and his car smelled like straight up sausage, we don't know why but it was stupid funny. He jumps it because idk how the fuck to do it and he's like "I'll give you $10 to follow me back to my house to make sure it doesn't die again." So I told him to buy me some alcohol instead.

We get on 787 and Reis can't even turn his lights on or his car dies, so he's driving without his lights on (redic). His car dies right before the exit for I90 and I pull over behind him and I get in his car and he calls AAA and they're like "Aright well 45 minutes a tow truck'll be there." I go to find whatever food I can in my car (which ends up being parmesan goldfish and a bottle of sprite haha). We sit there for like 15 minutes and all of a sudden the tow truck comes out of nowhere and they go and put the car up top and drive back to Madison Ave.

Mike showers because of the sausage smell and we go to Andreas to get my bottle and on the way home, I made a wrong turn and was speeding and an Albany cops pulls me over. And then another one pulls in behind him. Meanwhile theres a table in the back thats clearly a pong table, and a 6 pack of smirnoffs and a bottle of vodka in my back seat (semi hidden of course). I confuse the shit out of the cop by trying to describe where we were going and even Mike is impressed with how I got out of a ticket. Apparently all of Toy the speedlimit is only 30..?

So we carry on and go back to my house and the Twins and Ben are already there so we go inside and then Mike Ryan and I go to get balls for pong but price chopper is sold out and Hannaford doesnt sell them (wtf right). Go back to the house. Smoked approx 3 blunts in my living room while drinking and watched disc 2 and 3 of Season 3 of Weeds. Ben almost got a hooker to come in my house. And we smoked more on my roof because we went explorin.

Somewhere around 6am I go to go to sleep in my bed, and Ben is passed out in it ahahah. Reis slept in the Harry Potter closet because it was getting light out and he wanted to be in the dark. Jordan slept on the floor in the living room and Ryan slept upstairs for some random reason. I woke up everyone randomly throughout the night by jumping on them, so Reis woke me up @ like fucking 9:30 in the morning by jumping on my bed and makin me madddd (I'm making my angryyyy face). So I left the other boys at my house and brought Reis home since his car was obviously out of commission. Came home and shortly after that the Twins left and Ben stayed because he had a doctors appointment in Albany later. We watched Charlie Bartlett and thennnn i brought him to meet up with his mom and I came home.

Honestly, such a funny night. I passed out on the floor in my bathroom for like a good 4 or 5 minutes.

OMG and i just remembered that when I was sleeping, they cut a huge penis out of cardboard and it's hanging over my fireplace. It's literally a good 3 feet long. Hysterical. I peed when I saw it.

I love my life. It's on the up and up recently :)
2 more weeks left of schooooool!

Its almost 6am and I'm lying in my bed watching Ratatouille. I cleaned my room, and finished 3 labs. I went out on my porch a few minutes ago to get fresh air and I could hear the people across the street having sex. It was awkward. There was some guy sitting on his stoop across from the house across from me and we both just happened to look at each other and start laughing because it really was so loud that it was just obnoxious. Who has sex this early? And that loud this early?

Today I need to bring back movies to blockbuster, go grocery shopping, and get my ID card for HVCC. And go to class at 6. Aright. I can't wait to go to sleep, I'm finally starting to get tired jesus I feel like I've been up for days!

Ratatouille is so fucking cute. Ugh. I love this movie. Luckily, I've got my own cute ass dwarf hamster named Ratatouille to be amused by! Except my poor baby is in Kingston :( can't win em all I guess.

Does Apple do payment plans on their macbooks? I'm being serious. Times up on this pos laptop.

Life is a weird thing. I quit.

Butterflies in my stomach.
Graduating HS in 2 and a half hours.

I move to Albany on Tuesday.

Anddd now I have an interview at Delia's NEXT Thursday.

Went to the one at Forever21. There was a postit on my application that said "Really liked her on the phone, very enthusiastic, good energy." Hopefully that's good.

My friend Kyle is gonna live in my house with me and my brother. I'm really excited :)


Tomorrow is my last day of high school. It's kind of freaking me out.

I haveeee an interviewwww at Forever21 on Thursday :)
So excited!