"I have never felt so monstrously alone. Nix is snoring right over there, a million miles away. It's a gentle, funny, whispering little snore; if I was an ant and could stand on the very top branches of a tree and listen to the wind, it might sound like that.

I'm crying because I know the very best day of my whole life is over. I killed it. Andeverybody knows there are no second very best days."

-Breathe My Name, R.A. Nelson

im secretly wishing it doesnt work out and i win in the end.

thats fucked up of me.

i dont care.

I’m trying to find truth
in words, in rhymes, in notes
in all the things I wish I'd wrote
cause I feel like I’ve been losing you
each night it ends too soon
you don’t hold me like you used to
and your eyes look like they’ve seen too much but
it's always some excuse
too tired, too obtuse
you look so far removed
this time I fear I’m just not getting through


i want to do something with my life.

I knew since things were getting better, they'd need to come crashing down again.

I just want to go back to albany. I'm exhausted and I can't fall asleep. My back itches in the one spot I can't reach to the point that I'm going crazy. I'm having an allergic reaction and my whole body feels weird and I'm breaking out with minihives randomly. My eyes hurt just to keep them open right now. My nose is stuffy. I wish my car worked. I want to sleep in my own bed, not this uncomfortable twinsize bullshit.

Done. Thanks livejournal. I feel better.

WHATS UP LIVEJOURNAL.
FORGOT YOU EXISTED.

Home until Friday afternoon since I have to work 5-12:15.
Worked 10-6 yesterday and then drove home to Kingston.

I work around 30 hrs a week, and am constantly exhausted.
Money in the bank though.

Honestly, so over it. Get over it. It happened. It's done. Move on.

I think I'm actually going to start listening to other people. I'm gonna try to not be so dependent and actually let people help me instead of trying to do everything myself and get overwhelmed. I'm going to get my priorities straight and figure out what I really want out of life. I'm going to try and start thinking things out before I do them, think before I speak. Try to start thinking rationally.

Easier said than done, I know. But it's worth a shot.

I got an 87 on my psychology test. The highest grade was a 94. The lowest grade was a 22.. I'm happy.

Schools good. Classes are good. House is good. Making slow progress, but good.

My upstairs room is done and I'm almost completely moved into it. James & Kyles rooms are done & their moved into them. Living room is done & we have cable. Bathroom is done, except for some trim work. Kitchen will be done within the next 2 weeks & then we focus on the dining room.

Car was fucked for a hot minute. Had the head gasket replaced. Been driving my dads jetta for the past week & will continue to until tomorrow or Monday.

Did terrible on my first nutrition test, but hopefully awesome on my psychology test, I've got a good feeling about it.

I might be drunk right now, but that's because my life is in shambles. But that's because I'm an overdramatic and a hopeless romantic. I hate boys.

I hate the internet really, fucks with everyone. Makes it so easy to creep people.

I miss my best friend. I wish I hadn't fucked everything up. Everyone kept telling me I needed to tell her. So I did. And now look at me, she doesn't even talk to me anymore after she swore up and down she didn't care. And now that's over and I have nothing. I thought I knew better. I thought it could be something. And it was nothing to him. I was nothing to him.

I need to stop thinking so much. Especially now when I'm drunk. It's just sending me back into my depression mode that I've been in and out of for the past week. And listening to Dashboard isn't helping but it's all I want to hear.

It's hard to explain how I am getting by on so little from you.
It's hard to believe that I would let myself get so wrapped in you.
There's got to be something that would be worthwhile for me to give to you.
We need a connection but you seem to push me far away from you.

I hate Troy. I fucking hate it. I'm miserable.